With my eyes shut... I can feel peace. I can mend my heart. I can flee from evil to a place where the people and things that make me happy surrounds me. I will not be dragged down to your level. I will not fill my heart with pain for those who do not care.
But I never meant to upset you. I never meant to seem selfish for hiding my body and personal experiences. I never even meant to cross lives with you. It's funny how such a thing directly related to me was also so out of my control. Have we met before but never spoken? You talk of me as if you know me but it's clear you know nothing about me.
I am vulnerable behind my camera. But I made rules to hide from you, so that I could be myself and be open. You did the opposite. Your eyes were drowned in hate before me, but I never noticed you there. I wrote on my earlier entries titled Look at me. I am as naked as the palm of my hands. months ago,
"You hate when I hide, you hate when I don't."
You hate that I'm not exactly where you want me to be but you hate me when I am. I can not please you. But... I don't even want to.
I hide under pieces of fabric where my skin and bones are mine and my body is one I hold close to. You hide because it is that in which you may conceal yourself and hide your identity from your hostile behavior. There's fulfillment in damaging someone's emotions, reputation, and safety but the same flaw you accuse me of, seems to be more prevalent in you.
Completely driven in finding flaws in others... but no matter how low you go, you go on your own. I knew nothing about you but that your heart is genuinely cold. And that was already more than you would ever know about me. I never cared to have war- never put my fists up, never stood up for myself. Didn't you just happened to cross lives with me when you decided to put me into yours?
I always believed that the only life worth living is one in which you realize it doesn't last forever. I hope you discover respect and love for others. I will go to a place where my heart is surrounded by the very opposite of everything you are. Let the waves crash forward and just like that, it washes away. Time doesn't wait for you. You should worry about yourself first before you begin to judge others. To be so negative only makes you grow bitter. To try to hurt others only makes you cold.
But I never meant to upset you. I never meant to seem selfish for hiding my body and personal experiences. I never even meant to cross lives with you. It's funny how such a thing directly related to me was also so out of my control. Have we met before but never spoken? You talk of me as if you know me but it's clear you know nothing about me.
I am vulnerable behind my camera. But I made rules to hide from you, so that I could be myself and be open. You did the opposite. Your eyes were drowned in hate before me, but I never noticed you there. I wrote on my earlier entries titled Look at me. I am as naked as the palm of my hands. months ago,
"You hate when I hide, you hate when I don't."
You hate that I'm not exactly where you want me to be but you hate me when I am. I can not please you. But... I don't even want to.
I hide under pieces of fabric where my skin and bones are mine and my body is one I hold close to. You hide because it is that in which you may conceal yourself and hide your identity from your hostile behavior. There's fulfillment in damaging someone's emotions, reputation, and safety but the same flaw you accuse me of, seems to be more prevalent in you.
Completely driven in finding flaws in others... but no matter how low you go, you go on your own. I knew nothing about you but that your heart is genuinely cold. And that was already more than you would ever know about me. I never cared to have war- never put my fists up, never stood up for myself. Didn't you just happened to cross lives with me when you decided to put me into yours?
I always believed that the only life worth living is one in which you realize it doesn't last forever. I hope you discover respect and love for others. I will go to a place where my heart is surrounded by the very opposite of everything you are. Let the waves crash forward and just like that, it washes away. Time doesn't wait for you. You should worry about yourself first before you begin to judge others. To be so negative only makes you grow bitter. To try to hurt others only makes you cold.
welcome back :)
ReplyDeleteHi, I was desperate to leave you a message and it was your MFC profile that brought me here. Apologies for not knowing your name because I don't think we have met. I was probably one of those "random" and bored people peaking into a p0rn site hoping to find some stimuli to spice up my dull life a bit. Something unique, something unusual would be good. But I guess those sites have not improved much since my teenage - people have definitely grown prettier than before due to better nutrition and technology. But I guess the sameness to most models, the selling point of them have not changed over the years. Just as I was about to exit MFC forever, believing that this site is no different to other sites, before I realised I was reading the entire profile you had written. I was like - probably this is the best self-portrait I have ever seen in all my life.
ReplyDeleteApologies again for not knowing your name. But I guess it doesn't really matter for I believe what you wrote is the best description about you. I would rather know what your philosophies, living goals are rather than saying empty words like "Hey ____ (insert your name), you look good today! And why are you not posing naked?". I admire the way how you use language to describe yourself, and what is more, how your think about the world using your world knowledge and judgement. Nowadays it is so rare to see an individual like you, who is so alert and so conscious to the life we are living and to the world in which we exist. It is amazing that you have your own world knowledge at this young age (and I am not a lot older :P ) and I praise you for that!
I am not an artist myself but I think I always have that artistic personality in me. In fact, I think I am a perfectionist. I believe there are lots of things we share in common, based on what you wrote on your profile.
Another apologies and to be very honest with you: I am not even a premium member on MFC because I am in a pretty similar situation as yours. I am sorry to hear that you are trying your best to cover your own expenditure + school fee. I do enjoy reading your profile but I cannot afford to tip you a bit for that. However, discovering YOU on a random website like MFC really has given me my "tip" for today. And I would definitely consider it as an other huge tip to my life if I can get to know you (though the chance is slim because you are admired by thousands of fans I suppose!). I have friends that are artists and we love talking about life and all that :) And I hope we do have a chance to talk about some interesting topics as well.
I will follow you on Twitter and I will let you know who I am if you don't despise my presence and my long message on your blog :)
Good luck and all the best :)
hi! it's me again...good thing you have something new here for me to read...i really like reading what you write...
ReplyDeleteit is true that we live only one life and our time here on earth isn't that long...one should really live his/her life as much as he/she can and not linger on any negative aspects of it...being negative only wears a person down thus giving him/her burdens on living his/her life to the fullest...
but the fact is people like those you mentioned exist here...trying to put us down and be at the same level as they are...people who lives their life to rot...but you should just let them be...don't even care about them..just continue on your journey to your happiness and ride the waves that will push you on forward...leave the rotten and go where you can soar high in life ^_^
do i even make any sense? hahaha...well great read though..i'll check your room someday...i'm just a basic member though -_- hopefully i can talk to you more...
I love the way your writing sits on the edge between poetry and prose.
ReplyDeleteExcellent. My thoughts. My heart. I felt that way about the way people treated and still treat Michael Jackson.
ReplyDeleteAnd I soo love the title!
ReplyDelete